Why would anyone listen to me?

This is a thought I have had a lot recently. I have looked back through this blog as far as my pride would allow and thought about other blogs I've written and just cannot understand the girl behind them. I've changed and not changed in the few years since blogging. Facebook and Instagram keep me connected to social media at large, but I try to refrain from sharing too much personal information or opinion or reflection at all.

Sometimes it just seems like I have said too much, cue R.E.M.

There's a problem with keeping my words to myself though, a problem with trying too hard to remain impartial. I risk becoming nothing or feeling as if I have become nothing. What do I even like? I truly struggle to identify the things I care about and believe in, and that is troubling. In the past writing has always been the one medium that helps me figure out what is going on in my head. I write it all out, at times almost as if in a trance, until sense arrives. And in the past I have honestly felt that I had something worthwhile to say, that I was Called to Say it.

I have written in a journal off and on in my life but even that has lost its appeal. As a culture do we say too much? Share too much? It seems like Everyone Else is an expert on something, how to dress/cook/create/think/shop/be in relationships. It makes me feel inadequate ALL OF THE TIME. I got to a point where I felt Ecclesiastes 5:7 breathing down my neck.

"Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God." (version?...that is how I remember it, and maybe that's the problem!)

Okay, so...take a break from all the talking....but

Why can't I buy that cute thing and photograph it in that perfect way and share it to get 200 likes in 5 minutes? Why do I even want to? I don't want to. Why do I feel like I should want to?

What drove me to blog and share poetry and photography on DeviantArt all those years ago? Maybe the better my relationships are in real life the less time I have to invest online. But at this time I don't feel like I have much going on in my life.

Well, marriage...work...taking care of the dog and being half of what keeps our life in balance. Is it just me or are we kind of driving each other to this same point of inadequacy? Am I writing here for you, because I have some insight, or am I here for myself? Am I a flicker in the darkness or just another burnt-out bulb? Do I have too much free time?

Can't we all belong?

Is the answer just to stay off the internet? Because that doesn't seem rational. This is a fabulous way to connect to people, to learn new things, and to be entertained at little cost.

 In a little under a year my husband, dog and I will be moving into our WV Vanagon full time. We don't know for how long, or exactly where it will take us. We hope to be in a new state at the end of it all, or to rule them out and return to Florida. We have this restlessness that must be taken care of and we want people to join our journey online. By then I hope to figure out just what it is I can give to this world, because lately it feels like I have nothing to add. In the mean times we struggle to find our own hobbies, our own creativity, and by extension our own significance. I seem to struggle with this more outwardly or perhaps violently than Matt does, but we both feel it.

I need more in my day to day, whether it's blogging or creating or volunteering or getting more involved in church I am not certain. Maybe that's what I came here to solve. Maybe you can relate? I think that in the past I have had seasons where my daily life (work at the Foster Barn in Gainesville, coupled with Greenhouse Church) has been so incredibly full as to keep everything else at bay. Now, a year out from leaving those things behind, I am feeling their loss. I am grieving again and again instead of finding suitable replacements for my energy and offerings.

I think the less I write, the less involvement I have with the community I am in, the less I feel any burden to think or invest. Life must be cultivated.

So maybe I will once again write in this blog regularly, or maybe not, but for once these things have left my head and maybe that's a start.

This is not an ode to myself I hope, but rather me reaching out. And if it is an ode to myself I hope it is because it's okay, even necessary, to take the time to pay attention to your own insides.

-Hasta, Jenny

eyelid heavy

you're oh so predictable,
forgetting would take a miracle
the smoke in your throat, the knife in your coat
fall for a lyric under cloudy eyes
another clever piece of your cocky disguise

but how far can you run
when your shoes are made of gum
and how far could you fly
when your wings are made of lies
and how far could you ride
with a bike made of the sky
i'm asking how you'd ever drive
in a car meant to just get by

it's lacerated locomotion
you move to just escape
and hide behind a catchy beat
and call the hatred fate

but love is more than staying close
and can't be killed by letting go
what's the use in a fresh new start
if you're drowning still in a heavy heart?

Trees Bear Fruit

I am not sure who, if anyone, still reads here but I wrote something I wanted to share with you all. Please pass it on if you like. I am working off my iPhone so editing is tough, so please excuse any incompletions in word or thought.

This is a small summation of just one element of something God has been teaching me this year, and boiling out as I am on this trip. I think getting out of Gainesville has been really good for me, I love that city but oh the distractions! Here I may find myself lost in a crowd or on a train in solitude, but still I am a free agent, hearing and seeking unbound by the unseen forces one's homebase often has.

So today I am reading and meditating in a town called Rueschlikon, near Zurich, Switzerland, and I just began typing this. Now, I will share:

"Trees bear fruit"

My problem is often letting go. Investing in something, a relationship for instance, requires sewing bits of ourselves into it, and the growth and fruit becomes our reward. When we invest in something while ourselves being in the nature of Christ, a never ending source, no matter what we give we will receive and find renewal in time. Outside of the nature of Christ, investments become more about ourselves and our motives and are less renewable. Without God we are a race doomed for extinction.

Yet either investment can and often will come to an end before we are ready, and separation from the work put into the growing season can be very painful. We want to move on, find new land perhaps, knowing by rote that this is "what's best," but we also fear what, unseen, lies ahead.

Those investments with less or even none of Christ may sink, taking parts of ourselves along with them, and in this situation continuation of the journey seems bleak. How can I step when I do not know my own feet? (They aren't your feet, they are God's feet!) Yet while we ourselves remain in Him we will be renewed. The more we sew in Christ, the higher our chances of return, but that does not mean we will receive what we initially desire. I've yet to meet a human who truly knows what they want outside of eternity. (yet even then, what a man desires is unfailing love, therein lies eternity or vice versa)

Yet despite any desire to remain, it is our nature to continue and create, as we mirror our Creator. It isn't in returning that we grow, unless by some lapse of maturity we are forced to circle back to some sort of origin. But we should trust the lessons God has already taught. Nor are we to leave disaster in our wake and proceed blindly in our way, for we are at every moment a witness.

There is a narrow path in the light of Grace on which we must situate ourselves and continue, step after faithful step, no matter what we have left behind, knowing that God is greater. Maybe not always feeling it, or thinking it, but knowing and believing what is true.

Phil 3:14

We must chose our investments wisely and sew accordingly, for many people depend on our fruit. It always matters, and as such we are urged to pursue wisdom. While we cannot change the past, we also cannot allow ourselves to constantly replant every seed or fixate on what could have been done.

We cannot always know the fruit of our labor in one season. We scratch the earth waiting for mere seedlings on our own time while God wants us to continue in faith and await the trees.

Feeling small or not at all

****A friend asked me for a biography, so I am writing one. There will be edits and additions and deletions and such, but I am going to post as I go, because it won't end until I do.******

My world is small and it is precious. I don't like people coming inside of it. I don't let many in but it's not because I don't like humans as much as it is that I don't like the way humans treat each other, even accidentally. My world is fragile, and thus easily broken. Little moments carry great significance and my inner self, unbeknownst the the rest of me, assigns grand meanings to memories and mementos and ideologies that would seem otherwise unnoticeable or trite. The glimmer of light that passes through a darkened room as the shades are drawn is but a passing glance given by a distracted world whose eye has been caught. But to me it is a beacon of hope, a cool drip on a smoldering tongue.

I can't even care properly for myself, so why and how could I ever figure out how to trust anyone else? I create a safe space that may feign itself as cozy and open, but only when I occupy that world. Outsiders may visit for a time, amount selected by the universe, but every friend seems to overstay.

My life is a shattered bridge of warn-out welcomes, connecting my body to my soul. Every piece of me has either been meticulously gathered over time, mined from those with whom I interact, or resides within me since and until eternity, innate and inert until the moment I am most in need. Traces made appearances here and there, but it is only after years that I am able connect the dots of my personality, dead synapses firing to life one by one, millions of jasmines blooming in the night.

What I most yearn for is to be accepted as I am. To speak and think and write as I like and have people take it as my personal voice. This is how I see the world; I am not pretending. This is how I think about myself in relation to life and I cannot see things any other way. It is neither immature nor pretentious. Every label is misapplied because people assigned them based on their own personal assessments and relations to the word and subject. The results are skewed and nothing can be fair.

It's all about perspective

So when I make my heavy attempts to control anger, or violence, or speak my truth, or whatever circumstance, and I am not taken seriously purely based on my manner of thought, I find myself at a dead end of the conscience. I can only be all that God made me to be, He gave me my voice and the life I have lead, by His grace, has brought me my words. What person who walks this earth could ever dare tell me I am less than I am? And why do I believe them?

What's more, it starts in my own heart most days. I look out into this world and see thousands of boxes that I don't fit in, and am too easily hurt when reality appears. I see limits and walls instead of ladders and bridges. So I condition myself to expect disappointment and rejection and then become depressed when that's what I get.

You could say confidence isn't exactly my strong suite.

I must climb the mountains, I must scale my battles and claim the territory of my soul. God gives me the strength to overcome yet how daunting is the task! But victory is the Lord's, and I shall see him face to face one day. Resting in God alone.

But there is yet this life on earth, and my struggles come and go. Just like friends, and love, and good chocolate. 

Insides

"Doesn't it feel great out?" she asked, opening the windows to let the night in.
"Yeah, I suppose," he answered bluntly, looking at her in that way he always did when he missed her.
The answer didn't even come close to fulfilling her desires, but she was used to that by now. Weather-inspired emotions weren't his thing. His loss, she thought. It didn't really matter.
But it did. They were dating, after all. His loss was her’s too.
Of course, she'd never meant for it to be that way. Nobody ever does with these things, but they happen. They always happen, and people always walk into them. Life's love traps.
Girl meets Boy. They hit it off and become fast friends. Boy is struck by her independence, her kind spirit, her indifference to the world. Boy falls first, and fast. Asks Girl out. Girl doesn't want to date him. She is a free spirit, poetic to the core, and loves it. Boy asks again. Girl still thinks it is a bad idea. She's never had a relationship before, so can't speak from experience. Boy uses this against her, challenges her to take a chance. Girl knows her self, and knows it won't work, but decides to go for it anyhow. She can't resist a challenge.
Almost a year passes, Boy is in love more than ever and Girl realizes every day how captive her spirit has become. This was never what she wanted, but sometimes it really does feel an awful lot like love.
Maybe it even is.
Like a thousand times before, she pushes all of this from her mind and shuts the window.
"Why don't we just watch a movie then?"
_____________________
(thoughts)
"Have you ever read a story about a certain type of girl who would just up and cry? She sees a lost kitten, or a broken flower, or a lonely man on the street and can't help but feel their sorrow...and then begins to cry?"
"I want so badly to be that girl..” she thought, imagining what it would be like to actually tell him these things….
Isn't it heart breaking?
“It's like the dirt on this roof here" she sifted it through her hands…

Finally she spoke,
"Where did it come from? This dirt….the ground maybe...but now it is on this roof. Forever away from the ground. It will never be down there." As if to set some free, she threw the handful over her head, off the roof. Most only came back down onto her arm, but some kept falling.
"It's like the ground above the ground," he answered, totally missing the point.
At least he made an effort.
_____________________
I used to always think of myself as someone who is intrinsically sad. Intrinsic. I love that word. It's weird because most people mark me as happy and joyful, but more often than not I find it so much easier to be sad. More natural even. Is this some warped view of the human condition that has brainwashed my spirits? I don't know.
One of my favourite high-school teachers called me passionate. He said I don't feel or show anything halfway... in fact I hardly show any emotion at all. But when I do...when something really affects me, it happens all the way. When I am sad, I get so passionately sad. When I am happy, I get passionately happy. When I am joyful, it overflows.
I love that idea. Passionate.
I wish everyone could experience things passionately.
Then again, I want to hold onto it and share it only with those who know what it's like.
Am I also selfish then?
In high-school I loved to share that passion. Especially about God. God made me ridiculously happy, and those were the times when I felt most alive.
I learned how to not need the sadness.
I learned how to share my joy with other people, and how to love sharing it with other people.
He doesn't see God the way I do. He never will. So I stopped talking about it.
Sometimes, it makes me think I'll never be ridiculously happy ever again.
____________________________________
Without my joy, it has been coming back again, the sadness. I feel like I need it again, like it is a vital part of me. The outer shell of smiles is getting more and more empty. The only way to fight it is to write it out. Before I found joy, I wrote constantly. I was also a cutter.
One of those is a bad thing.
I’m not that way anymore, but once again I am isolated from someone who is supposed to be helping me, and it is mostly my fault, but I am afraid to fix it. Deep down I know I should have never agreed to it, but part of me needs it.
He needs me too, he says.
Part of me is certain it will still work out.
Part of me is wrong.
____________________________________
I’ve become dislocated.
Out of joint and place and time.
Drifting along to the current that is my schedule, my church, my world.
I let him be my lifeboat, and forgot how to swim.
____________________________________
In high school, they said I’d change the word. I wanted to turn it upside-down for God. There’s a verse about it,
"These that have turned the world upside down are come hither also."—Acts 17:6.
It’s about the Apostles.
____________________________________
The thing is, none of it is his fault. Sometimes, I try and pretend it is so I don’t have to blame myself.
Sometimes, he thinks it is and apologizes for not being what I want.
I don’t know that anyone can be. I just need to fix myself. No, I have to let God fix me. Lately I’ve stopped listening to God. First, I stopped talking to him. This is a terrible idea, but I got tired of doubting my relationship. And my life. Silly, to think I could run from it all.
It’s not that a relationship is keeping me from being who God made me, it is that I am letting the relationship take the blame. Maybe I shouldn’t be dating, maybe it is okay, but I should not avoid God.
That is where my problems are coming from.

Before I started dating, I was convinced God was all I’d ever need. God’s love is perfect you see, and once you feel it, there is nothing else that can compare. That’s why I was never in a rush to start a relationship. I knew love with a guy would never be as amazing as Love from God. God never disappoints because with him, you don’t expect anything on any terms, so you are never left wanting. Except for romance, and that is when you know you should be looking for that special someone.
I’ve never felt that though, that lack of romantic fulfillment. I started dating mostly because he wanted to so badly and thought sincerely that it was the right thing for us. We were getting too close physically. Physical attraction and emotional attraction are not the same thing for me. Neither even come close to spiritual attraction.
Swear I’m not a slut.
We broke up once, and I was instantly relieved. But he missed me, and we couldn’t be friends unless we were also dating, so I decided to try it out again. From then, everything got so much better. I really tried a lot harder to get used to having a boyfriend. I loved it actually, and I love him. But recently it has just been really tough.

I’d never realized the lack of romance in my life in a way that made me wish for it. Not until now. When you are romantically involved, you expect things. You compare one romance to another sometimes, without meaning to.
Never having had a relationship, I’ve replaced God’s love with romance love. I am never satisfied because nothing can ever compare to God. Well, that’s not completely true. I am satisfied when I don’t compare it to God’s love. When I don’t think about God, romance is enough.

If we could share God’s love, Love itself would be complete.
But I am not ready for that. Is he? Maybe. But I don’t know how to share God’s love with him. I rarely try because I assume it won’t work.

That’s probably an indication of something right there

Spiritual attraction. I’ve been waiting for that my entire life.
The man of my dreams has never had a face.
All he’s ever had, all I ever wanted was someone totally and completely on fire for God.

I don’t even know what that means any more. To be “on fire” for God. Once upon a time, it made perfect sense. Now, I doubt the phrase. Now, people tell me I can’t possibly know for sure what God is like, and how one could be on fire for Him.
Now, I have hardly any backbone to stand up for my God, because I’m far too worried about offending someone. I changed my God for them so much, I don’t know who He is to me. My faith has been reduced to the mumbling of a few churchy adjectives and phrases.

I can’t even begin to describe how attractive the man of my dreams is to me. It’s because I made him perfect, and therefore non-existent.

It’s not that I don’t love my boyfriend now.
I do, so so much.
It hurts me to realize everything I’m writing. But at the same time, I know it is true. And the shreds of faith that still remain in me fill me with assurance that no matter what happens, God will be with us both.

Maybe we need to be apart for a little while. Maybe forever. Maybe not at all. But I cannot hide any longer. I cannot remain in anyone but Christ.

It is said in the bible that to live is Christ, to die is gain. It means that dying to one’s own desires and living completely for Christ is the only way to truly gain anything worth having in this life. Salvation being the tip of that mountain.

That much, I Hope for.

It's here!

My blog for MMC 2100 has begun. The challenge? Quite simple really, a 5 post blog detailing the reporting process for our first ever self-chosen story. Each post must have 4-8 journalistic paragraphs and be informative, effective, and professional. They also have to maintain a "Storytelling" feel. In addition, I must include at least one photo, with a caption. All this to be completed by next Monday at 12 p.m. Not tough, right?
Right.
So, dear reader(s), without further ado, I give to you, The Beat.
I may change the name later to something less common, most likely I will use the name of my first post. Hope you enjoy!

Also, I will be maintaining this blog after the due date, so keep reading for UF/College/Life news updates.

Recollections

I spent five weeks traveling Europe this summer. A friend and I went online, got a train pass for four countries, got a plane ticket, and just went. Each weekend was spent with his aunt and uncle in Switzerland. Our first day there, we spent resting to ease out of the jet lag phase. I rested by drinking sparkling water, eating my Twizzlers, reading, and writing...all the while sitting in a hammock in the most beautiful backyard I've seen in quite some time.
School is crazy this semester. I've been so busy and haven't had any time to sit down and enjoy a book, a drink, and just write my heart out. Sadly enough, the workload will not ease up until Fall semester ends.
I miss the simple summer days.

On the upside of things, I'm finally taking steps in becoming a real reporter. My media writing class is so tough, but we've been assigned our first ever self-chosen stories. The only parameter given was that the story had to be Environmental, Health, or Science. From there on the reporting, interviewing, writing, editing, and finding somewhere to publish the story is up to us.
Terrifying? Yes. This is real stuff here-for a class, yes- but we are seeking official interviews, which means important people in our topic area. Interviewing them one on one? Oi Vey.
Anyways I'm going to be trying to get the blog going again, but I want to clean it up some. I can't seem to get my layout to go away, and I will be focusing on photography more.

That's all :)

Stay tuned for links to my news blog!

I think too often I worry

I imagine they won't like me after I'm through.

You know when God puts something on your heart? When you know without a doubt that there is something He wants you to do, wants you to say...something important, life changing, and hard to swallow? I have a lot on my mind. A lot of words to set free, choices to make, relationships to alter...

and I know

they aren't going to listen

and I know

things will never be the same

and I know

it's going to hurt to end it

and I know

it will all be okay

Why would God put something in your heart, something genuine that honors Him, if He didn't want it to be there? Why would He reveal to me truths I am not meant to use? Give me dreams I am not meant to follow? Is my passion, after 19 years, truly empty? There is no way. No way.

My blog has been dry lately, as have my thoughts. I am running in circles. A bad record stuck on the worst song. And I keep telling myself I like the way it sounds. 

What amazes me, is how easily I forget that one thing. That GOD is ALL I need.

Funny world we live in, and evil to boot. 

It's so easy for my voice to get drowned out in the church I am at. Nobody does it on purpose, we just have a lot of opinions. I let theirs overpower mine, and I assume they are right. But you know what? I am a Christian too. I have a real relationship with God too. Why can't I be right?...To think that God would lead me this far for nothing...

I refuse.

Let me tell it to you straight. This ain't paradise, this is life. Humans are prideful, form opinions, and convictions, and stick with them, tooth and nail. I've been backing down all my life, letting other people figure out God for me. Think for me. But I have been learning on my own, and keeping that to myself. That is not the way it should be. Shouting from rooftops, climbing the mountains, jumping and dancing and running-now that's more like it. 

I miss being me.

I miss my God

Lately it has been tough, to live life without regrets. I've made some really stupid choices, that I am ashamed of. Truly ashamed. I have had regret before, but only a small amounts. I have never been ashamed. God is destroying me, and He will make me new. I cannot wait for that.

Until then? I will just keep running.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."-1 Corinthians 9:24-27

 

oi

Even in the darkest times, I will praise you.

College. It is destroying me. Creating me. Confusing me. Pressuring me, enabling me, killing me and exalting me. It is everything I expected, everything I was unprepared for. It is leaving me devasted and clawing for something tangible. To hold on to.

it is letting me soar and tying me down.

okay, well maybe not college...but that is my current state/location/profession

student.

have you ever head the song you raise me up? surely. josh groban performs it, as does Selah.

that song is salve, and im listening to it now:

when i am down, and oh my soul, so weary

when troubles come and my heart burdened be

then, I am still and wait here in the silence

until You come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up...to more than I can be

there is no life- no life without its hunger

each restless heart beats so imperfectly

but when you come and I am filled with wonder

Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up to more than i can ne

You raise me up, to more than I can be

(also, bika mono ve/it is well with my soul)

.........

anywhoo

im not sure what it is with me lately, that is weighing me down.

 i have a handful of ideas. they are heavy, and sit there, cold and threatening, till i shiver and they trickle through my fingers. they fall like sands to the ground, i brush my hands off, and begin to walk away. but oh~! how children love to play in the dirt! and despite myself I am too weak, too naive, too easy to distract. so i bend back down to them, and construct the perfect castle! the walls are strong and sturdy, the towers, tall and mighty. the bridge invites everyone to come by! my room, perfectly placed for my prince to ride beneath-such are the dreams of a little girl, lost in a pretty dream-it reaches to the sky, stands out. caring. meticulous. perfect.

i stand up, and step back. to marvel at my home, what I have created.

the work of my hands.

my castle in the sand.

by and by the day picks up, the storms rage, and a wave builds on the horizon. i see it coming, know it is coming, but do nothing. i watch, because it's power and danger are great, are terrible, and the terror paralyzes me. consumed. the wave rushes towards me angrily, i know it will not stop, yet i do not run. crashes into me. consumed. my castle, gone. and where i was before, there is merely open space, all that remains of my precious innocent wishful blind ideals is found within the pile of sand, still clutched in my hands....

and as i hold them- i marvel. as a handful, they look so nice. circles of beige and brown. when bathed in sun, they are the perfect bed...(how much have they seen? how far have they traveled? who else have they tricked?)..rub them on your arm, so abrasive, it takes away all that has died. rub too hard and skin breaks, and soon pain enters into the eqation. on one side, i can feel again, but this is not the way to do it...but if you look closer at a single piece, its jaded, faceted, so many edges, so rough...they don't seem to be this way in a group. but individually, the true form is found, and then i understand why they are so dangerous in a group.

good elements, bad elements...

all these sands, all those ideas, realtionships, problems, issues

everything seems fine, but everything is everything, therefore, never as it seems...attractive, but imperfect. they help and hurt...

they sit in my hands, i rock them back and forth, to see them. and as long as they lie i imagine them simply waiting for me to decide what to do. build again? let them go? in my own desire to see life carried out according to my wishes, i expect them to wait as i ponder, but they do not remain idle. the wind takes a few away, some get into my clothes and other areas sand likes to reside, but most trickle through my fingers, to fall back down.

my decision? what else but to return to the dreams. to bend down, scoop them up, and build again.

my castle in the sand.

Breathing Deeper Now

I'm waiting for blood

To flow to my fingers

I'll be alright when my hands get warm

-dashboard confessional

I can walk, I can talk, I can eat, I can breathe

Think, Imagine, Create, Destroy, Believe,

Jump........

So why don't I feel human?

Empty Shell

Or am I just tricking myself here?

Maybe I'm just tired...

I jumped into the pool this morning at 3:30 am and stood in the water, drenched and freezing cold, for at least 15 minutes. My greatest thought? 

"I feel cold.."

Today I gave blood (finally I can!)

I watched the needle go in, I watched the blood come out

I felt it all, I saw my blood

Clearly, I am fully human

Body

Soul

Ah, now there's the rub, my soul. It is absolutely starving, and nothing here will quench that. Or, nothing I have been feeding it.

And Im tired of feeling restless

A head and a body and blood!

But empty!

Acting in my own true fashion I've managed to completely lock away all my emotions

Going with the typical "Im fine!" "Life is GREAT!" replies to all life-related questions

oh so typical

honestly

I'm Confused

I'm Distracted

Lonely,Lost

Lack of Amino Acids?... eh, posible

Why why why do I lie

why do I hide everything

I don't even try to at this point

It comes so naturally

.....

oiy vey

...>>>>>>>

Waiting for the life to flow

Waiting for the light to glow

This is how'll you'll know

When all my hopes are fading(fading)

Still you'll see me waiting(waiting)

 I cannot run away

Leastwise not too far

All I do is stay

Staring up at stars

Well all my hopes are fading (fading)

 Still I stand here waiting (waiting)

Somehow that voice still tells me

This will all be worth it one day

And I know the lies, despite how they choke

Cannot suffocate what I already know

But I cannot find the peace of mind

My soul will not be still

And I cannot blame my skin completely

I cannot, but I will

I'd run a thousand miles in anger

Swim jealously across the seas 

Build a mansion out of sadness

To escape from this disease!

My constant patient hunger..

My smile so eager to please...

My dreadful lasting madness!!

To the wrong gods I appease

And what if I'm afraid the truth

Would hurt the ones I love?

And what if I'm afraid the truth

Would hurt the One above?

And what if I'm afraid the truth

Will only make me see..

That diving in the truth

Will finally set me free

I'm afraid to lose the walls

Because I'm afraid to feel

I'm afraid to show my wounds

Because I'm afraid they'll heal

Now my scars are fading (fading)

But still I find me waiting (waiting)

They said my faith was stunning

So why have I stopped running

They said that I could really make it

So why do I fake it? Take it?

Forsake it!

In a room of a thousand choices

Indecision finds me high and dry

I find that its not chances are lacking

But the fact that I fail to try

And maybe I'd finally get some wings

If I dared to learn to fly

And maybe I'd have less pressure

If I let flood my eyes

And maybe I'd be more trusting

If I removed my own disguise

And maybe I could rest in the truth

If I stopped living such eloquent lies

Cause honestly?

I'm not that nice

I just hate to disappoint 

Father, I find it shocking

That you still hang around

When I've been tossing breadcrumbs

Making not a sound

Abba, Daddy,

Save me please

Elohim, Creater,

I'm on my knees

Im dying here once again

Once Again Crying out

I thought I could do this

But Again I've found out

I thought I could do this

But I just don't know how

..........<<<<<<<<

Let. NOTHING.Move.You.

I have been avoiding everything.

My thoughts, my blog, my God.

My future. My plan. My goals.

My calling.

Strict Avoidance and living purely in the moment.

God has been speaking to me, been trying to get through

sending me messages 

And I have been glossing them over,

Lightening them.

As I mentioned, avoidance.

I won't even tap into my own feelings.

?

And in the midst of this, I keep winning awards for my spirituality!

Sonlight Female award- out of all BCS female athletes

Outstanding Senior Award- out of our entire graduating class

If there is one thing graduating has shown me, it is that I have done a great job the past four years in living my life for Christ and letting others see it, learn from it, and change by it.

And somehow, in the very peak of my confusion...when I throughly think- "Any moment now someone is going to confront me, wondering why I have been acting like this..."

They are all praising my accomplishments

Praising my God for what he has done for me, and what they see him doing in the future.

So what's my problem?

Am I really going to go down like this? After everything.. after all I have been through, all God has given me.

Will I let this slip away?

Sunday morning's message was on complacency in your faith- that applies to me

Sunday night, Charles message was on being honest with fellow believers about what is going on in your life- that applies to me (especially concerning he and Kristen, as I lied to them about my own personal issues..)

God showed me this passage today:

1 Corinthians 15:55-58

"Where, O death, is your victory?

Where, O death, is your sting?"

"The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

THIS definitely applies to me. There is a calling on my life to shake this world up for Christ. To turn it upside down. To Change It. I can feel it, and so can everyone else it seems.

Yet lately, I have not been giving myself fully to the Lord's work.

It's driving me crazy cause, typically that is all I do. I've become lazy, in a certain respect, figuring I can pick up where I left of later.

Let. NOTHING.Move.You.

To whom much is given

Much will be required

I'm just wondering how much longer God will give me before he begins taking away....

When God speaks...

From God to me

[5.18.08]

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

Just what are you running from?

Come back to me.

I miss you- you miss me

We were in love

And you know this

So, just what are you running from? You do not need those things. Look at what you are running to, Look at WHO you are running to. Where is he going to take you? What can you do with what he has to give you? Nothing.

You fall for his words like a honeybee starved for pollen. And so you are filled with his words. His thoughts, His ideas, His desires. But not mine.

 So why do you hang so tightly to him? I love him. I will save him.

 You must not let yourself think only your love can save him.

Show him my love, but stop forgetting me. You leave me behind when he speaks. Do you know how much that hurts me?

I love you, with an everlasting love. I Will Never Harm You. My Beloved, you are so afraid of being hurt, but you put so much trust into the wrong things.

Do you not see the pain you are headed towards?

Come back to me.

Return to me.

I can save you.

Listen. You know the truth. You know right. You know wrong.

  you know

Stop playing with the fire.

At a certain point, it will cease to be amusing.

It will claim you.

But, I have already claimed you.

 Come back to Me.

His love cannot fill you. My love WILL.

  You know my love.

But you do not know everything, and you are NOT ready to do this alone. Let yourself go. You claim to have freedom but you are so caught, so trapped.

   I can hear you crying, and I can save you, silence you, protect you.

Give me your heart,

And I will tell you what it says.

Today..

Happy Mothers Day!

National Day of Prayer

Millions Unite!

1 Day

1 Voice

1 May, 2008


Those who earnestly seek God and pray to Him know the full and amazing power of Prayer.
Today, all across the world, we fall to our knees FOR our world. Can you feel the power? Imagine millions of hearts, focused on there 7 points- we can change so much. Not us. GOD.
Join in this movement- be a part of what is going on in this world. Sometimes it is easy to get hopeless at the state of our world- but how often do we come together and pray about it? For it? Why get sad about it when there is something we can do to help?
We neglect God's power in the realm of prayer.
Let's change that today~



7 points of prayer~

*Government*

Pray for our leaders, as well as the judges in our courts. Ask God to grant them wisdom to act with integrity.
1 Kings 3:38; I Timothy 2:1-2; Exodus 18:21; Proverbs 11:3; Romans 13:1-2

*Military*

Pay for divine protection and guidance for our armed forces. Intercede for military chaplains and loved ones at home.
II Chronicles 32:6-8; Psalm 57:1; Psalm 59:1; Proverbs 2:8; Psalm 5:11

*Media*

Pray for truth and morality to be presented.
Proverbs 12:9-22; Ephesians 4:29; Philippians 4:8; Matthew 12:36-37

*Business*

Pray that God will raise up His ambassadors in the workplace.
Matthew 5:14-16; Galatians 6:9; Proverbs 29:2; Exodus 31:3-5

*Education*

Pray for safety, morally sound instruction and wholesome environments.
Deuteronomy 11:18-19; Psalm 34:7; Matthew 19:14; Psalm 90:16-17

*Church*

Pray for unity and boldness in proclaiming God's Word.
Matthew 16:18-19; Ephesians 4:3-6; II Thessalonians 1:4; Acts 16:15

*Family*

Pray that families will follow godly principles
Joshua 24:15; Psalm 127:3-5; Ephesians 5:21; Mark 3:25; Proverbs 22:6

Today

Today, I feel better.
Mentally,physically, spiritually.

that is all :)

Judge tenderly of me...

I grew up in a very sheltered, straight forward Christian environment. Sunday school, VBS, precious moments coloring books... ALL sorts of God inspired influences. In addition, I learned a great amount of Respect. No doubt due to the very traditional nature of my church, the Bradenton Christian Reformed church. I didn't question anything they told me. Not necessarily because I was mindless, but, it made sense. My pastor, my parents, my grandparents, they were all Christians. Jesus made me. He loves me. He saved me. Therefore, I shall devote me life to him.
Doubts did not have much place in my life, and when they tried to come in, I fought them off.
Lately? Not so much.
I have been plagued with doubts. And true to my upbringing, I know the theology behind them and the answers, to a certain extent. But all the knowledge and faith (I thought I had) can't decimate this overwhelming feeling of doubt. Which brings up another area. Faith I mean.
If my faith was as strong as I'd always thought- should there be any room for doubt? Especially at the magnitude I'm having them.

Enlighten you?
I believe in God. Lets make that clear.
My question I guess is just the point of it all. Of life, of living. Not in an emotional/depressed way, but in a "why do we exist" way. Okay- we exist because of God. To exalt/serve/praise/seek.. and all that jazz.
But why?
Why did he create us.. was he just bored one day? And the whole sin element- why did he let that in? To give us the power to choose? But why... Why make things harder for Himself?...He doesn't want a bunch of blind followers I understand. He wants us to dedicated out hearts to him- wholly and truly... but .. why?
And all the stress on pleasing Him. Everything we do is to be for His glory....to exalt Him, to praise Him, to worship Him..
It all seems so.. so vain...
AND God is a jealous God..
which I never really minded .. but lately..
and we are supposed to imitate Him. so imitate those aspects too?
I understand, as our Creator, we have a certain extent of 'obligation' so serve Him. I mean, we didn't go creating a unverse right?
But still...

ehhh

SEE DOUBTS!
*points to self!*

and how does one go about exploring them? I can go to The Front- an amazing, powerful worship service.. with great speakers. I've never gone but my friends do and I only hear good things! Those who go are physically, spiritually, and mentally healed..
I've been sick lately, so one friend suggested I go to get well
Another, to fight the doubts..

But that doesn't seem right, that I can feel doubtful, go to 'church'.. and have it all taken care of.
This is my journey, as I see it. And, I DON'T wanna reject God in any way (please don't think that) but I don't want the one stop shop for answers. I wanna explore it, just so I can see all aspects..


My upbringing being what it was.. I feel almost like, this is my time to question. Is that legit? Am I allowed? What does God stand in all this?... Would he lead me through a protected stage of doubt?.. or is this Satan?...If so, maybe this is similar to Job, in essense.
That being the case.. am I wrong to explore it? Terrible things happened to Job, and he never wavered..
and Here I am, ready to put all I have ever known aside if it means I will finally be able to rest peacefully again in some sort of promise, some realm of certainty.

Bad Idea?
Need some feedback. Cause I have felt the hand of God in my life. He has - even after the Cross- saved my life. A few times. He has changed me, for the better...
So, why?

Theres more to this. but im tired of thinking about it..
or... typing it out.

prayer? can I still ask for it?..
pleaseeeee......

This is the day...

The Beginning

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

6 And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." 7 So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. 8 God called the expanse "sky." And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.

9 And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. 10 God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good.

11 Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. 12 The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.

14 And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so. 16 God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. 17 God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, 18 to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. 19 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.

20 And God said, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." 21 So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. 22 God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth." 23 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.

24 And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind." And it was so. 25 God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.

26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."

27 So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.

28 God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."

29 Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. 30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food." And it was so.

31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.

Genesis 2

1 Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.

2 By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. 3 And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

Happy Earth Day everyone! ;) Take some time today to thank God for the earth he created for us, and the temporary home he gave us here. Go a step further and maybe find some ways to help protect it. You may not be wasteful, there is usually some measure of conservation left yet to attain. Yes, this is not our final home, but we were put here to take care of it! This planet is a beautiful place! Go outside today, by yourself, and find a quiet spot. Spend some time with God there, praising and thanking Him for everything we have. Pray for rain for the people all over the world living in drought, pray for good harvest for those living in famine, for sunshine upon the faces and hearts of those who could use a little warmth in their lives. All too often, we see the problems in our days and refuse to sit still and witness the glory that is all around us. Look for that glory today, Look for God. I promise, its easier than you may think. He's in the grass, the trees, the sky, the wind, the water,... He's everywhere.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You are God in heaven, and I am here on earth. So I'll let my words be few. Jesus I am so in love with you~And I'll stand in Awe of you."

In my darker hours....

It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

CHORUS
Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captive free?
Jesus, rescue me

CHORUS

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my lies
And darkness cannot hide

Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All power on Heav'n and Earth belong to Me
(repeat)

You are free
You are free
You are free

____________________
~casting crowns~

this song? in a nutshell
-my life-
im thinking of making it into a human video for chapel sometime soon
if theres room for it

Choose your song!

This month of April marks a significant part of my life. The first week was a blissful adventure through the Dominican Republic. That is over now. These next two weeks are filled to burst with practices and performances of the school play- over 30 High Schoolers prancing around the stage, singing and spouting lines we've been rehearsing for months. The following week there is a little function I like to call Prom, and then April is over.
May?
Well there is the AP English Test, our senior trip (Okay- our senior class in Puerto Rico? Locoooo), exam week, then- Graduation.
Now, fill in the empty spaces with Birthday parties, tea parties, grad parties, movie marathons,... and just being together for these last few weeks of our time here in Bradenton.

Wait- Graduation.
At one point in the ceremony, the Senior Class is able to perform a song. Usually, one or two seniors- most often girls- sing a pretty/emotional song to end the year well. And we find ourselves now at the time where we must choose this song.
Lauren Alkire and I have written a song for this occasion, one that the whole class- should they choose- can be a part of.
Jessy Cespedes has a gorgeous tearjerker she wants to sing, where maybe three others can get involved as well.
Ashley and Cody have also suggested a song: "I'm not gonna cry" which will, true to graduation nature, make everyone cry.

Its funny how, we are almost looking for a song that will ensure tears. That perfect something that is a sweet mix of happy/sad- Oh Lord my child is leaving me! Mom and dad I'm chasing my dreams.... and so on. How can a whole lifetime be put into one song? Years of trials, joys, lessons, sorrow- and all the crazy emotions that come along with taking this next step in out lives- all be found in one song, that everyone likes, that everyone can get involved in.
Its like we want to cry- we know full well that we will, and we're trying to find the best song to make that happen.

Weird humans.

My class, we like to have fun. "We wanna rock" so immediately, we wanted to have some Thunderstruck going on in there, instead of the same old same old 'Pomp and Circumstance' song. But of course, this ceremony must be classy, sophisticated, and more or less sans screaming guitars.
I don't know that I have a point here- I more reflecting on this process. Planning graduation. Finding the best pictures for the slide show, the best teacher to speak- the best student to speak, the best song to leave behind.

To leave behind.
To leave behind.

To leave behind.........

Not much to it

"We dance around a ring and suppose, But the secret sits in the middle and knows."
~Robert Frost


Now ain't that just like life?