College. It is destroying me. Creating me. Confusing me. Pressuring me, enabling me, killing me and exalting me. It is everything I expected, everything I was unprepared for. It is leaving me devasted and clawing for something tangible. To hold on to.
it is letting me soar and tying me down.
okay, well maybe not college...but that is my current state/location/profession
student.
have you ever head the song you raise me up? surely. josh groban performs it, as does Selah.
that song is salve, and im listening to it now:
when i am down, and oh my soul, so weary
when troubles come and my heart burdened be
then, I am still and wait here in the silence
until You come and sit awhile with me.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up...to more than I can be
there is no life- no life without its hunger
each restless heart beats so imperfectly
but when you come and I am filled with wonder
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than i can ne
You raise me up, to more than I can be
(also, bika mono ve/it is well with my soul)
.........
anywhoo
im not sure what it is with me lately, that is weighing me down.
i have a handful of ideas. they are heavy, and sit there, cold and threatening, till i shiver and they trickle through my fingers. they fall like sands to the ground, i brush my hands off, and begin to walk away. but oh~! how children love to play in the dirt! and despite myself I am too weak, too naive, too easy to distract. so i bend back down to them, and construct the perfect castle! the walls are strong and sturdy, the towers, tall and mighty. the bridge invites everyone to come by! my room, perfectly placed for my prince to ride beneath-such are the dreams of a little girl, lost in a pretty dream-it reaches to the sky, stands out. caring. meticulous. perfect.
i stand up, and step back. to marvel at my home, what I have created.
the work of my hands.
my castle in the sand.
by and by the day picks up, the storms rage, and a wave builds on the horizon. i see it coming, know it is coming, but do nothing. i watch, because it's power and danger are great, are terrible, and the terror paralyzes me. consumed. the wave rushes towards me angrily, i know it will not stop, yet i do not run. crashes into me. consumed. my castle, gone. and where i was before, there is merely open space, all that remains of my precious innocent wishful blind ideals is found within the pile of sand, still clutched in my hands....
and as i hold them- i marvel. as a handful, they look so nice. circles of beige and brown. when bathed in sun, they are the perfect bed...(how much have they seen? how far have they traveled? who else have they tricked?)..rub them on your arm, so abrasive, it takes away all that has died. rub too hard and skin breaks, and soon pain enters into the eqation. on one side, i can feel again, but this is not the way to do it...but if you look closer at a single piece, its jaded, faceted, so many edges, so rough...they don't seem to be this way in a group. but individually, the true form is found, and then i understand why they are so dangerous in a group.
good elements, bad elements...
all these sands, all those ideas, realtionships, problems, issues
everything seems fine, but everything is everything, therefore, never as it seems...attractive, but imperfect. they help and hurt...
they sit in my hands, i rock them back and forth, to see them. and as long as they lie i imagine them simply waiting for me to decide what to do. build again? let them go? in my own desire to see life carried out according to my wishes, i expect them to wait as i ponder, but they do not remain idle. the wind takes a few away, some get into my clothes and other areas sand likes to reside, but most trickle through my fingers, to fall back down.
my decision? what else but to return to the dreams. to bend down, scoop them up, and build again.
my castle in the sand.
