Breathing Deeper Now

I'm waiting for blood

To flow to my fingers

I'll be alright when my hands get warm

-dashboard confessional

I can walk, I can talk, I can eat, I can breathe

Think, Imagine, Create, Destroy, Believe,

Jump........

So why don't I feel human?

Empty Shell

Or am I just tricking myself here?

Maybe I'm just tired...

I jumped into the pool this morning at 3:30 am and stood in the water, drenched and freezing cold, for at least 15 minutes. My greatest thought? 

"I feel cold.."

Today I gave blood (finally I can!)

I watched the needle go in, I watched the blood come out

I felt it all, I saw my blood

Clearly, I am fully human

Body

Soul

Ah, now there's the rub, my soul. It is absolutely starving, and nothing here will quench that. Or, nothing I have been feeding it.

And Im tired of feeling restless

A head and a body and blood!

But empty!

Acting in my own true fashion I've managed to completely lock away all my emotions

Going with the typical "Im fine!" "Life is GREAT!" replies to all life-related questions

oh so typical

honestly

I'm Confused

I'm Distracted

Lonely,Lost

Lack of Amino Acids?... eh, posible

Why why why do I lie

why do I hide everything

I don't even try to at this point

It comes so naturally

.....

oiy vey

...>>>>>>>

Waiting for the life to flow

Waiting for the light to glow

This is how'll you'll know

When all my hopes are fading(fading)

Still you'll see me waiting(waiting)

 I cannot run away

Leastwise not too far

All I do is stay

Staring up at stars

Well all my hopes are fading (fading)

 Still I stand here waiting (waiting)

Somehow that voice still tells me

This will all be worth it one day

And I know the lies, despite how they choke

Cannot suffocate what I already know

But I cannot find the peace of mind

My soul will not be still

And I cannot blame my skin completely

I cannot, but I will

I'd run a thousand miles in anger

Swim jealously across the seas 

Build a mansion out of sadness

To escape from this disease!

My constant patient hunger..

My smile so eager to please...

My dreadful lasting madness!!

To the wrong gods I appease

And what if I'm afraid the truth

Would hurt the ones I love?

And what if I'm afraid the truth

Would hurt the One above?

And what if I'm afraid the truth

Will only make me see..

That diving in the truth

Will finally set me free

I'm afraid to lose the walls

Because I'm afraid to feel

I'm afraid to show my wounds

Because I'm afraid they'll heal

Now my scars are fading (fading)

But still I find me waiting (waiting)

They said my faith was stunning

So why have I stopped running

They said that I could really make it

So why do I fake it? Take it?

Forsake it!

In a room of a thousand choices

Indecision finds me high and dry

I find that its not chances are lacking

But the fact that I fail to try

And maybe I'd finally get some wings

If I dared to learn to fly

And maybe I'd have less pressure

If I let flood my eyes

And maybe I'd be more trusting

If I removed my own disguise

And maybe I could rest in the truth

If I stopped living such eloquent lies

Cause honestly?

I'm not that nice

I just hate to disappoint 

Father, I find it shocking

That you still hang around

When I've been tossing breadcrumbs

Making not a sound

Abba, Daddy,

Save me please

Elohim, Creater,

I'm on my knees

Im dying here once again

Once Again Crying out

I thought I could do this

But Again I've found out

I thought I could do this

But I just don't know how

..........<<<<<<<<

Let. NOTHING.Move.You.

I have been avoiding everything.

My thoughts, my blog, my God.

My future. My plan. My goals.

My calling.

Strict Avoidance and living purely in the moment.

God has been speaking to me, been trying to get through

sending me messages 

And I have been glossing them over,

Lightening them.

As I mentioned, avoidance.

I won't even tap into my own feelings.

?

And in the midst of this, I keep winning awards for my spirituality!

Sonlight Female award- out of all BCS female athletes

Outstanding Senior Award- out of our entire graduating class

If there is one thing graduating has shown me, it is that I have done a great job the past four years in living my life for Christ and letting others see it, learn from it, and change by it.

And somehow, in the very peak of my confusion...when I throughly think- "Any moment now someone is going to confront me, wondering why I have been acting like this..."

They are all praising my accomplishments

Praising my God for what he has done for me, and what they see him doing in the future.

So what's my problem?

Am I really going to go down like this? After everything.. after all I have been through, all God has given me.

Will I let this slip away?

Sunday morning's message was on complacency in your faith- that applies to me

Sunday night, Charles message was on being honest with fellow believers about what is going on in your life- that applies to me (especially concerning he and Kristen, as I lied to them about my own personal issues..)

God showed me this passage today:

1 Corinthians 15:55-58

"Where, O death, is your victory?

Where, O death, is your sting?"

"The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

THIS definitely applies to me. There is a calling on my life to shake this world up for Christ. To turn it upside down. To Change It. I can feel it, and so can everyone else it seems.

Yet lately, I have not been giving myself fully to the Lord's work.

It's driving me crazy cause, typically that is all I do. I've become lazy, in a certain respect, figuring I can pick up where I left of later.

Let. NOTHING.Move.You.

To whom much is given

Much will be required

I'm just wondering how much longer God will give me before he begins taking away....

When God speaks...

From God to me

[5.18.08]

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

Just what are you running from?

Come back to me.

I miss you- you miss me

We were in love

And you know this

So, just what are you running from? You do not need those things. Look at what you are running to, Look at WHO you are running to. Where is he going to take you? What can you do with what he has to give you? Nothing.

You fall for his words like a honeybee starved for pollen. And so you are filled with his words. His thoughts, His ideas, His desires. But not mine.

 So why do you hang so tightly to him? I love him. I will save him.

 You must not let yourself think only your love can save him.

Show him my love, but stop forgetting me. You leave me behind when he speaks. Do you know how much that hurts me?

I love you, with an everlasting love. I Will Never Harm You. My Beloved, you are so afraid of being hurt, but you put so much trust into the wrong things.

Do you not see the pain you are headed towards?

Come back to me.

Return to me.

I can save you.

Listen. You know the truth. You know right. You know wrong.

  you know

Stop playing with the fire.

At a certain point, it will cease to be amusing.

It will claim you.

But, I have already claimed you.

 Come back to Me.

His love cannot fill you. My love WILL.

  You know my love.

But you do not know everything, and you are NOT ready to do this alone. Let yourself go. You claim to have freedom but you are so caught, so trapped.

   I can hear you crying, and I can save you, silence you, protect you.

Give me your heart,

And I will tell you what it says.