I think too often I worry

I imagine they won't like me after I'm through.

You know when God puts something on your heart? When you know without a doubt that there is something He wants you to do, wants you to say...something important, life changing, and hard to swallow? I have a lot on my mind. A lot of words to set free, choices to make, relationships to alter...

and I know

they aren't going to listen

and I know

things will never be the same

and I know

it's going to hurt to end it

and I know

it will all be okay

Why would God put something in your heart, something genuine that honors Him, if He didn't want it to be there? Why would He reveal to me truths I am not meant to use? Give me dreams I am not meant to follow? Is my passion, after 19 years, truly empty? There is no way. No way.

My blog has been dry lately, as have my thoughts. I am running in circles. A bad record stuck on the worst song. And I keep telling myself I like the way it sounds. 

What amazes me, is how easily I forget that one thing. That GOD is ALL I need.

Funny world we live in, and evil to boot. 

It's so easy for my voice to get drowned out in the church I am at. Nobody does it on purpose, we just have a lot of opinions. I let theirs overpower mine, and I assume they are right. But you know what? I am a Christian too. I have a real relationship with God too. Why can't I be right?...To think that God would lead me this far for nothing...

I refuse.

Let me tell it to you straight. This ain't paradise, this is life. Humans are prideful, form opinions, and convictions, and stick with them, tooth and nail. I've been backing down all my life, letting other people figure out God for me. Think for me. But I have been learning on my own, and keeping that to myself. That is not the way it should be. Shouting from rooftops, climbing the mountains, jumping and dancing and running-now that's more like it. 

I miss being me.

I miss my God

Lately it has been tough, to live life without regrets. I've made some really stupid choices, that I am ashamed of. Truly ashamed. I have had regret before, but only a small amounts. I have never been ashamed. God is destroying me, and He will make me new. I cannot wait for that.

Until then? I will just keep running.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."-1 Corinthians 9:24-27

 

oi

Even in the darkest times, I will praise you.

College. It is destroying me. Creating me. Confusing me. Pressuring me, enabling me, killing me and exalting me. It is everything I expected, everything I was unprepared for. It is leaving me devasted and clawing for something tangible. To hold on to.

it is letting me soar and tying me down.

okay, well maybe not college...but that is my current state/location/profession

student.

have you ever head the song you raise me up? surely. josh groban performs it, as does Selah.

that song is salve, and im listening to it now:

when i am down, and oh my soul, so weary

when troubles come and my heart burdened be

then, I am still and wait here in the silence

until You come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up...to more than I can be

there is no life- no life without its hunger

each restless heart beats so imperfectly

but when you come and I am filled with wonder

Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up to more than i can ne

You raise me up, to more than I can be

(also, bika mono ve/it is well with my soul)

.........

anywhoo

im not sure what it is with me lately, that is weighing me down.

 i have a handful of ideas. they are heavy, and sit there, cold and threatening, till i shiver and they trickle through my fingers. they fall like sands to the ground, i brush my hands off, and begin to walk away. but oh~! how children love to play in the dirt! and despite myself I am too weak, too naive, too easy to distract. so i bend back down to them, and construct the perfect castle! the walls are strong and sturdy, the towers, tall and mighty. the bridge invites everyone to come by! my room, perfectly placed for my prince to ride beneath-such are the dreams of a little girl, lost in a pretty dream-it reaches to the sky, stands out. caring. meticulous. perfect.

i stand up, and step back. to marvel at my home, what I have created.

the work of my hands.

my castle in the sand.

by and by the day picks up, the storms rage, and a wave builds on the horizon. i see it coming, know it is coming, but do nothing. i watch, because it's power and danger are great, are terrible, and the terror paralyzes me. consumed. the wave rushes towards me angrily, i know it will not stop, yet i do not run. crashes into me. consumed. my castle, gone. and where i was before, there is merely open space, all that remains of my precious innocent wishful blind ideals is found within the pile of sand, still clutched in my hands....

and as i hold them- i marvel. as a handful, they look so nice. circles of beige and brown. when bathed in sun, they are the perfect bed...(how much have they seen? how far have they traveled? who else have they tricked?)..rub them on your arm, so abrasive, it takes away all that has died. rub too hard and skin breaks, and soon pain enters into the eqation. on one side, i can feel again, but this is not the way to do it...but if you look closer at a single piece, its jaded, faceted, so many edges, so rough...they don't seem to be this way in a group. but individually, the true form is found, and then i understand why they are so dangerous in a group.

good elements, bad elements...

all these sands, all those ideas, realtionships, problems, issues

everything seems fine, but everything is everything, therefore, never as it seems...attractive, but imperfect. they help and hurt...

they sit in my hands, i rock them back and forth, to see them. and as long as they lie i imagine them simply waiting for me to decide what to do. build again? let them go? in my own desire to see life carried out according to my wishes, i expect them to wait as i ponder, but they do not remain idle. the wind takes a few away, some get into my clothes and other areas sand likes to reside, but most trickle through my fingers, to fall back down.

my decision? what else but to return to the dreams. to bend down, scoop them up, and build again.

my castle in the sand.

Breathing Deeper Now

I'm waiting for blood

To flow to my fingers

I'll be alright when my hands get warm

-dashboard confessional

I can walk, I can talk, I can eat, I can breathe

Think, Imagine, Create, Destroy, Believe,

Jump........

So why don't I feel human?

Empty Shell

Or am I just tricking myself here?

Maybe I'm just tired...

I jumped into the pool this morning at 3:30 am and stood in the water, drenched and freezing cold, for at least 15 minutes. My greatest thought? 

"I feel cold.."

Today I gave blood (finally I can!)

I watched the needle go in, I watched the blood come out

I felt it all, I saw my blood

Clearly, I am fully human

Body

Soul

Ah, now there's the rub, my soul. It is absolutely starving, and nothing here will quench that. Or, nothing I have been feeding it.

And Im tired of feeling restless

A head and a body and blood!

But empty!

Acting in my own true fashion I've managed to completely lock away all my emotions

Going with the typical "Im fine!" "Life is GREAT!" replies to all life-related questions

oh so typical

honestly

I'm Confused

I'm Distracted

Lonely,Lost

Lack of Amino Acids?... eh, posible

Why why why do I lie

why do I hide everything

I don't even try to at this point

It comes so naturally

.....

oiy vey

...>>>>>>>

Waiting for the life to flow

Waiting for the light to glow

This is how'll you'll know

When all my hopes are fading(fading)

Still you'll see me waiting(waiting)

 I cannot run away

Leastwise not too far

All I do is stay

Staring up at stars

Well all my hopes are fading (fading)

 Still I stand here waiting (waiting)

Somehow that voice still tells me

This will all be worth it one day

And I know the lies, despite how they choke

Cannot suffocate what I already know

But I cannot find the peace of mind

My soul will not be still

And I cannot blame my skin completely

I cannot, but I will

I'd run a thousand miles in anger

Swim jealously across the seas 

Build a mansion out of sadness

To escape from this disease!

My constant patient hunger..

My smile so eager to please...

My dreadful lasting madness!!

To the wrong gods I appease

And what if I'm afraid the truth

Would hurt the ones I love?

And what if I'm afraid the truth

Would hurt the One above?

And what if I'm afraid the truth

Will only make me see..

That diving in the truth

Will finally set me free

I'm afraid to lose the walls

Because I'm afraid to feel

I'm afraid to show my wounds

Because I'm afraid they'll heal

Now my scars are fading (fading)

But still I find me waiting (waiting)

They said my faith was stunning

So why have I stopped running

They said that I could really make it

So why do I fake it? Take it?

Forsake it!

In a room of a thousand choices

Indecision finds me high and dry

I find that its not chances are lacking

But the fact that I fail to try

And maybe I'd finally get some wings

If I dared to learn to fly

And maybe I'd have less pressure

If I let flood my eyes

And maybe I'd be more trusting

If I removed my own disguise

And maybe I could rest in the truth

If I stopped living such eloquent lies

Cause honestly?

I'm not that nice

I just hate to disappoint 

Father, I find it shocking

That you still hang around

When I've been tossing breadcrumbs

Making not a sound

Abba, Daddy,

Save me please

Elohim, Creater,

I'm on my knees

Im dying here once again

Once Again Crying out

I thought I could do this

But Again I've found out

I thought I could do this

But I just don't know how

..........<<<<<<<<