You know when God puts something on your heart? When you know without a doubt that there is something He wants you to do, wants you to say...something important, life changing, and hard to swallow? I have a lot on my mind. A lot of words to set free, choices to make, relationships to alter...
and I know
they aren't going to listen
and I know
things will never be the same
and I know
it's going to hurt to end it
and I know
it will all be okay
Why would God put something in your heart, something genuine that honors Him, if He didn't want it to be there? Why would He reveal to me truths I am not meant to use? Give me dreams I am not meant to follow? Is my passion, after 19 years, truly empty? There is no way. No way.
My blog has been dry lately, as have my thoughts. I am running in circles. A bad record stuck on the worst song. And I keep telling myself I like the way it sounds.
What amazes me, is how easily I forget that one thing. That GOD is ALL I need.
Funny world we live in, and evil to boot.
It's so easy for my voice to get drowned out in the church I am at. Nobody does it on purpose, we just have a lot of opinions. I let theirs overpower mine, and I assume they are right. But you know what? I am a Christian too. I have a real relationship with God too. Why can't I be right?...To think that God would lead me this far for nothing...
I refuse.
Let me tell it to you straight. This ain't paradise, this is life. Humans are prideful, form opinions, and convictions, and stick with them, tooth and nail. I've been backing down all my life, letting other people figure out God for me. Think for me. But I have been learning on my own, and keeping that to myself. That is not the way it should be. Shouting from rooftops, climbing the mountains, jumping and dancing and running-now that's more like it.
I miss being me.
I miss my God
Lately it has been tough, to live life without regrets. I've made some really stupid choices, that I am ashamed of. Truly ashamed. I have had regret before, but only a small amounts. I have never been ashamed. God is destroying me, and He will make me new. I cannot wait for that.
Until then? I will just keep running.
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."-1 Corinthians 9:24-27
