I grew up in a very sheltered, straight forward Christian environment. Sunday school, VBS, precious moments coloring books... ALL sorts of God inspired influences. In addition, I learned a great amount of Respect. No doubt due to the very traditional nature of my church, the Bradenton Christian Reformed church. I didn't question anything they told me. Not necessarily because I was mindless, but, it made sense. My pastor, my parents, my grandparents, they were all Christians. Jesus made me. He loves me. He saved me. Therefore, I shall devote me life to him.
Doubts did not have much place in my life, and when they tried to come in, I fought them off.
Lately? Not so much.
I have been
plagued with doubts. And true to my upbringing, I know the theology behind them and the answers, to a certain extent. But all the knowledge and faith (I thought I had) can't decimate this overwhelming
feeling of doubt. Which brings up another area. Faith I mean.
If my faith was as strong as I'd always thought- should there be any room for doubt? Especially at the magnitude I'm having them.
Enlighten you?
I believe in God. Lets make that clear.
My question I guess is just the point of it all. Of life, of living. Not in an emotional/depressed way, but in a "why do we exist" way. Okay- we exist because of God. To exalt/serve/praise/seek.. and all that jazz.
But why?
Why did he create us.. was he just bored one day? And the whole sin element- why did he let that in? To give us the power to choose? But why... Why make things harder for Himself?...He doesn't want a bunch of blind followers I understand. He wants us to dedicated out hearts to him- wholly and truly... but .. why?
And all the stress on pleasing Him. Everything we do is to be for His glory....to exalt Him, to praise Him, to worship Him..
It all seems so.. so vain...
AND God is a jealous God..
which I never really minded .. but lately..
and we are supposed to imitate Him. so imitate those aspects too?
I understand, as our Creator, we have a certain extent of 'obligation' so serve Him. I mean, we didn't go creating a unverse right?
But still...
ehhh
SEE DOUBTS!
*points to self!*
and how does one go about exploring them? I can go to The Front- an amazing, powerful worship service.. with great speakers. I've never gone but my friends do and I only hear good things! Those who go are physically, spiritually, and mentally healed..
I've been sick lately, so one friend suggested I go to get well
Another, to fight the doubts..
But that doesn't seem right, that I can feel doubtful, go to 'church'.. and have it all taken care of.
This is my journey, as I see it. And, I DON'T wanna reject God in any way (please don't think that) but I don't want the one stop shop for answers. I wanna explore it, just so I can see all aspects..
My upbringing being what it was.. I feel almost like, this is my time to question. Is that legit? Am I
allowed? What does God stand in all this?... Would he lead me through a protected stage of doubt?.. or is this Satan?...If so, maybe this is similar to Job, in essense.
That being the case.. am I wrong to explore it? Terrible things happened to Job, and he never wavered..
and Here I am, ready to put all I have ever known aside if it means I will finally be able to rest peacefully again in some sort of promise, some realm of certainty.
Bad Idea?
Need some feedback. Cause I have felt the hand of God in my life. He has - even after the Cross- saved my life. A few times. He has changed me, for the better...
So, why?
Theres more to this. but im tired of thinking about it..
or... typing it out.
prayer? can I still ask for it?..
pleaseeeee......
