I grew up in a very sheltered, straight forward Christian environment. Sunday school, VBS, precious moments coloring books... ALL sorts of God inspired influences. In addition, I learned a great amount of Respect. No doubt due to the very traditional nature of my church, the Bradenton Christian Reformed church. I didn't question anything they told me. Not necessarily because I was mindless, but, it made sense. My pastor, my parents, my grandparents, they were all Christians. Jesus made me. He loves me. He saved me. Therefore, I shall devote me life to him.
Doubts did not have much place in my life, and when they tried to come in, I fought them off.
Lately? Not so much.
I have been plagued with doubts. And true to my upbringing, I know the theology behind them and the answers, to a certain extent. But all the knowledge and faith (I thought I had) can't decimate this overwhelming feeling of doubt. Which brings up another area. Faith I mean.
If my faith was as strong as I'd always thought- should there be any room for doubt? Especially at the magnitude I'm having them.
Enlighten you?
I believe in God. Lets make that clear.
My question I guess is just the point of it all. Of life, of living. Not in an emotional/depressed way, but in a "why do we exist" way. Okay- we exist because of God. To exalt/serve/praise/seek.. and all that jazz.
But why?
Why did he create us.. was he just bored one day? And the whole sin element- why did he let that in? To give us the power to choose? But why... Why make things harder for Himself?...He doesn't want a bunch of blind followers I understand. He wants us to dedicated out hearts to him- wholly and truly... but .. why?
And all the stress on pleasing Him. Everything we do is to be for His glory....to exalt Him, to praise Him, to worship Him..
It all seems so.. so vain...
AND God is a jealous God..
which I never really minded .. but lately..
and we are supposed to imitate Him. so imitate those aspects too?
I understand, as our Creator, we have a certain extent of 'obligation' so serve Him. I mean, we didn't go creating a unverse right?
But still...
ehhh
SEE DOUBTS!
*points to self!*
and how does one go about exploring them? I can go to The Front- an amazing, powerful worship service.. with great speakers. I've never gone but my friends do and I only hear good things! Those who go are physically, spiritually, and mentally healed..
I've been sick lately, so one friend suggested I go to get well
Another, to fight the doubts..
But that doesn't seem right, that I can feel doubtful, go to 'church'.. and have it all taken care of.
This is my journey, as I see it. And, I DON'T wanna reject God in any way (please don't think that) but I don't want the one stop shop for answers. I wanna explore it, just so I can see all aspects..
My upbringing being what it was.. I feel almost like, this is my time to question. Is that legit? Am I allowed? What does God stand in all this?... Would he lead me through a protected stage of doubt?.. or is this Satan?...If so, maybe this is similar to Job, in essense.
That being the case.. am I wrong to explore it? Terrible things happened to Job, and he never wavered..
and Here I am, ready to put all I have ever known aside if it means I will finally be able to rest peacefully again in some sort of promise, some realm of certainty.
Bad Idea?
Need some feedback. Cause I have felt the hand of God in my life. He has - even after the Cross- saved my life. A few times. He has changed me, for the better...
So, why?
Theres more to this. but im tired of thinking about it..
or... typing it out.
prayer? can I still ask for it?..
pleaseeeee......
1 comment:
I, too, was brought up in a Christian home, Christian principles. All that.
I know what you mean by asking questions. But one thing I want to point out really quick. You asked why God "threw in the sin aspect". He didn't. We had choices before that. Sin came from our freedom of choice. I don't think God wanted us to sin, that would be against His very nature. He didn't want it, but He did want our love. And to love at all is to be vulnerable. He made Himself vulnerable and open to being hurt, crushed so that He might also be loved in return.
Do you ever think that as much as we want to love and be loved in return, how much more He does?
God did not throw the sin aspect in. Satan sinned fist, then Eve, then Adam. We chose. And God made a way for us to get out. Why? Because He loves us. You know all of this.
So the question is, why did He start it at all, knowing it would happen? "Better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all"? I don't know. I don't think we'll ever know the answer to that question until we meet Him face to face.
James 1:6 says, "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."
But then Jude says, "Be merciful to those who doubt; snatch others from the fire and save them; to others show mercy, mixed with fear—hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh."
Eccl 7:27-29: "Look," says the Teacher, "this is what I have discovered: "Adding one thing to another to discover the scheme of things—while I was still searching but not finding—I found one upright man among a thousand, but not one upright woman among them all. This only have I found: God made mankind upright, but men have gone in search of many schemes."
I do not think doubting and asking questions are the same thing. Doubt is "a feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something." [Obsolete: "to fear, dread"] To question implies intellectual curiosity. Do you doubt the truth you have been taught? Or is your logic coming into play against your faith?
And although God gave us the mind to ask questions and seek answers and we are allowed to ask [seek wisdom and knowledge], we have to be careful when we think about something too much. Things can be muddled easily.
And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."
I'm sure we'll talk about this more later. Only if you would like to.
All my love to you, my dear. You are most definitely in my prayers.
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