oi

Even in the darkest times, I will praise you.

College. It is destroying me. Creating me. Confusing me. Pressuring me, enabling me, killing me and exalting me. It is everything I expected, everything I was unprepared for. It is leaving me devasted and clawing for something tangible. To hold on to.

it is letting me soar and tying me down.

okay, well maybe not college...but that is my current state/location/profession

student.

have you ever head the song you raise me up? surely. josh groban performs it, as does Selah.

that song is salve, and im listening to it now:

when i am down, and oh my soul, so weary

when troubles come and my heart burdened be

then, I am still and wait here in the silence

until You come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up...to more than I can be

there is no life- no life without its hunger

each restless heart beats so imperfectly

but when you come and I am filled with wonder

Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up to more than i can ne

You raise me up, to more than I can be

(also, bika mono ve/it is well with my soul)

.........

anywhoo

im not sure what it is with me lately, that is weighing me down.

 i have a handful of ideas. they are heavy, and sit there, cold and threatening, till i shiver and they trickle through my fingers. they fall like sands to the ground, i brush my hands off, and begin to walk away. but oh~! how children love to play in the dirt! and despite myself I am too weak, too naive, too easy to distract. so i bend back down to them, and construct the perfect castle! the walls are strong and sturdy, the towers, tall and mighty. the bridge invites everyone to come by! my room, perfectly placed for my prince to ride beneath-such are the dreams of a little girl, lost in a pretty dream-it reaches to the sky, stands out. caring. meticulous. perfect.

i stand up, and step back. to marvel at my home, what I have created.

the work of my hands.

my castle in the sand.

by and by the day picks up, the storms rage, and a wave builds on the horizon. i see it coming, know it is coming, but do nothing. i watch, because it's power and danger are great, are terrible, and the terror paralyzes me. consumed. the wave rushes towards me angrily, i know it will not stop, yet i do not run. crashes into me. consumed. my castle, gone. and where i was before, there is merely open space, all that remains of my precious innocent wishful blind ideals is found within the pile of sand, still clutched in my hands....

and as i hold them- i marvel. as a handful, they look so nice. circles of beige and brown. when bathed in sun, they are the perfect bed...(how much have they seen? how far have they traveled? who else have they tricked?)..rub them on your arm, so abrasive, it takes away all that has died. rub too hard and skin breaks, and soon pain enters into the eqation. on one side, i can feel again, but this is not the way to do it...but if you look closer at a single piece, its jaded, faceted, so many edges, so rough...they don't seem to be this way in a group. but individually, the true form is found, and then i understand why they are so dangerous in a group.

good elements, bad elements...

all these sands, all those ideas, realtionships, problems, issues

everything seems fine, but everything is everything, therefore, never as it seems...attractive, but imperfect. they help and hurt...

they sit in my hands, i rock them back and forth, to see them. and as long as they lie i imagine them simply waiting for me to decide what to do. build again? let them go? in my own desire to see life carried out according to my wishes, i expect them to wait as i ponder, but they do not remain idle. the wind takes a few away, some get into my clothes and other areas sand likes to reside, but most trickle through my fingers, to fall back down.

my decision? what else but to return to the dreams. to bend down, scoop them up, and build again.

my castle in the sand.

Breathing Deeper Now

I'm waiting for blood

To flow to my fingers

I'll be alright when my hands get warm

-dashboard confessional

I can walk, I can talk, I can eat, I can breathe

Think, Imagine, Create, Destroy, Believe,

Jump........

So why don't I feel human?

Empty Shell

Or am I just tricking myself here?

Maybe I'm just tired...

I jumped into the pool this morning at 3:30 am and stood in the water, drenched and freezing cold, for at least 15 minutes. My greatest thought? 

"I feel cold.."

Today I gave blood (finally I can!)

I watched the needle go in, I watched the blood come out

I felt it all, I saw my blood

Clearly, I am fully human

Body

Soul

Ah, now there's the rub, my soul. It is absolutely starving, and nothing here will quench that. Or, nothing I have been feeding it.

And Im tired of feeling restless

A head and a body and blood!

But empty!

Acting in my own true fashion I've managed to completely lock away all my emotions

Going with the typical "Im fine!" "Life is GREAT!" replies to all life-related questions

oh so typical

honestly

I'm Confused

I'm Distracted

Lonely,Lost

Lack of Amino Acids?... eh, posible

Why why why do I lie

why do I hide everything

I don't even try to at this point

It comes so naturally

.....

oiy vey

...>>>>>>>

Waiting for the life to flow

Waiting for the light to glow

This is how'll you'll know

When all my hopes are fading(fading)

Still you'll see me waiting(waiting)

 I cannot run away

Leastwise not too far

All I do is stay

Staring up at stars

Well all my hopes are fading (fading)

 Still I stand here waiting (waiting)

Somehow that voice still tells me

This will all be worth it one day

And I know the lies, despite how they choke

Cannot suffocate what I already know

But I cannot find the peace of mind

My soul will not be still

And I cannot blame my skin completely

I cannot, but I will

I'd run a thousand miles in anger

Swim jealously across the seas 

Build a mansion out of sadness

To escape from this disease!

My constant patient hunger..

My smile so eager to please...

My dreadful lasting madness!!

To the wrong gods I appease

And what if I'm afraid the truth

Would hurt the ones I love?

And what if I'm afraid the truth

Would hurt the One above?

And what if I'm afraid the truth

Will only make me see..

That diving in the truth

Will finally set me free

I'm afraid to lose the walls

Because I'm afraid to feel

I'm afraid to show my wounds

Because I'm afraid they'll heal

Now my scars are fading (fading)

But still I find me waiting (waiting)

They said my faith was stunning

So why have I stopped running

They said that I could really make it

So why do I fake it? Take it?

Forsake it!

In a room of a thousand choices

Indecision finds me high and dry

I find that its not chances are lacking

But the fact that I fail to try

And maybe I'd finally get some wings

If I dared to learn to fly

And maybe I'd have less pressure

If I let flood my eyes

And maybe I'd be more trusting

If I removed my own disguise

And maybe I could rest in the truth

If I stopped living such eloquent lies

Cause honestly?

I'm not that nice

I just hate to disappoint 

Father, I find it shocking

That you still hang around

When I've been tossing breadcrumbs

Making not a sound

Abba, Daddy,

Save me please

Elohim, Creater,

I'm on my knees

Im dying here once again

Once Again Crying out

I thought I could do this

But Again I've found out

I thought I could do this

But I just don't know how

..........<<<<<<<<

Let. NOTHING.Move.You.

I have been avoiding everything.

My thoughts, my blog, my God.

My future. My plan. My goals.

My calling.

Strict Avoidance and living purely in the moment.

God has been speaking to me, been trying to get through

sending me messages 

And I have been glossing them over,

Lightening them.

As I mentioned, avoidance.

I won't even tap into my own feelings.

?

And in the midst of this, I keep winning awards for my spirituality!

Sonlight Female award- out of all BCS female athletes

Outstanding Senior Award- out of our entire graduating class

If there is one thing graduating has shown me, it is that I have done a great job the past four years in living my life for Christ and letting others see it, learn from it, and change by it.

And somehow, in the very peak of my confusion...when I throughly think- "Any moment now someone is going to confront me, wondering why I have been acting like this..."

They are all praising my accomplishments

Praising my God for what he has done for me, and what they see him doing in the future.

So what's my problem?

Am I really going to go down like this? After everything.. after all I have been through, all God has given me.

Will I let this slip away?

Sunday morning's message was on complacency in your faith- that applies to me

Sunday night, Charles message was on being honest with fellow believers about what is going on in your life- that applies to me (especially concerning he and Kristen, as I lied to them about my own personal issues..)

God showed me this passage today:

1 Corinthians 15:55-58

"Where, O death, is your victory?

Where, O death, is your sting?"

"The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

THIS definitely applies to me. There is a calling on my life to shake this world up for Christ. To turn it upside down. To Change It. I can feel it, and so can everyone else it seems.

Yet lately, I have not been giving myself fully to the Lord's work.

It's driving me crazy cause, typically that is all I do. I've become lazy, in a certain respect, figuring I can pick up where I left of later.

Let. NOTHING.Move.You.

To whom much is given

Much will be required

I'm just wondering how much longer God will give me before he begins taking away....

When God speaks...

From God to me

[5.18.08]

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

Just what are you running from?

Come back to me.

I miss you- you miss me

We were in love

And you know this

So, just what are you running from? You do not need those things. Look at what you are running to, Look at WHO you are running to. Where is he going to take you? What can you do with what he has to give you? Nothing.

You fall for his words like a honeybee starved for pollen. And so you are filled with his words. His thoughts, His ideas, His desires. But not mine.

 So why do you hang so tightly to him? I love him. I will save him.

 You must not let yourself think only your love can save him.

Show him my love, but stop forgetting me. You leave me behind when he speaks. Do you know how much that hurts me?

I love you, with an everlasting love. I Will Never Harm You. My Beloved, you are so afraid of being hurt, but you put so much trust into the wrong things.

Do you not see the pain you are headed towards?

Come back to me.

Return to me.

I can save you.

Listen. You know the truth. You know right. You know wrong.

  you know

Stop playing with the fire.

At a certain point, it will cease to be amusing.

It will claim you.

But, I have already claimed you.

 Come back to Me.

His love cannot fill you. My love WILL.

  You know my love.

But you do not know everything, and you are NOT ready to do this alone. Let yourself go. You claim to have freedom but you are so caught, so trapped.

   I can hear you crying, and I can save you, silence you, protect you.

Give me your heart,

And I will tell you what it says.

Today..

Happy Mothers Day!

National Day of Prayer

Millions Unite!

1 Day

1 Voice

1 May, 2008


Those who earnestly seek God and pray to Him know the full and amazing power of Prayer.
Today, all across the world, we fall to our knees FOR our world. Can you feel the power? Imagine millions of hearts, focused on there 7 points- we can change so much. Not us. GOD.
Join in this movement- be a part of what is going on in this world. Sometimes it is easy to get hopeless at the state of our world- but how often do we come together and pray about it? For it? Why get sad about it when there is something we can do to help?
We neglect God's power in the realm of prayer.
Let's change that today~



7 points of prayer~

*Government*

Pray for our leaders, as well as the judges in our courts. Ask God to grant them wisdom to act with integrity.
1 Kings 3:38; I Timothy 2:1-2; Exodus 18:21; Proverbs 11:3; Romans 13:1-2

*Military*

Pay for divine protection and guidance for our armed forces. Intercede for military chaplains and loved ones at home.
II Chronicles 32:6-8; Psalm 57:1; Psalm 59:1; Proverbs 2:8; Psalm 5:11

*Media*

Pray for truth and morality to be presented.
Proverbs 12:9-22; Ephesians 4:29; Philippians 4:8; Matthew 12:36-37

*Business*

Pray that God will raise up His ambassadors in the workplace.
Matthew 5:14-16; Galatians 6:9; Proverbs 29:2; Exodus 31:3-5

*Education*

Pray for safety, morally sound instruction and wholesome environments.
Deuteronomy 11:18-19; Psalm 34:7; Matthew 19:14; Psalm 90:16-17

*Church*

Pray for unity and boldness in proclaiming God's Word.
Matthew 16:18-19; Ephesians 4:3-6; II Thessalonians 1:4; Acts 16:15

*Family*

Pray that families will follow godly principles
Joshua 24:15; Psalm 127:3-5; Ephesians 5:21; Mark 3:25; Proverbs 22:6

Today

Today, I feel better.
Mentally,physically, spiritually.

that is all :)

Judge tenderly of me...

I grew up in a very sheltered, straight forward Christian environment. Sunday school, VBS, precious moments coloring books... ALL sorts of God inspired influences. In addition, I learned a great amount of Respect. No doubt due to the very traditional nature of my church, the Bradenton Christian Reformed church. I didn't question anything they told me. Not necessarily because I was mindless, but, it made sense. My pastor, my parents, my grandparents, they were all Christians. Jesus made me. He loves me. He saved me. Therefore, I shall devote me life to him.
Doubts did not have much place in my life, and when they tried to come in, I fought them off.
Lately? Not so much.
I have been plagued with doubts. And true to my upbringing, I know the theology behind them and the answers, to a certain extent. But all the knowledge and faith (I thought I had) can't decimate this overwhelming feeling of doubt. Which brings up another area. Faith I mean.
If my faith was as strong as I'd always thought- should there be any room for doubt? Especially at the magnitude I'm having them.

Enlighten you?
I believe in God. Lets make that clear.
My question I guess is just the point of it all. Of life, of living. Not in an emotional/depressed way, but in a "why do we exist" way. Okay- we exist because of God. To exalt/serve/praise/seek.. and all that jazz.
But why?
Why did he create us.. was he just bored one day? And the whole sin element- why did he let that in? To give us the power to choose? But why... Why make things harder for Himself?...He doesn't want a bunch of blind followers I understand. He wants us to dedicated out hearts to him- wholly and truly... but .. why?
And all the stress on pleasing Him. Everything we do is to be for His glory....to exalt Him, to praise Him, to worship Him..
It all seems so.. so vain...
AND God is a jealous God..
which I never really minded .. but lately..
and we are supposed to imitate Him. so imitate those aspects too?
I understand, as our Creator, we have a certain extent of 'obligation' so serve Him. I mean, we didn't go creating a unverse right?
But still...

ehhh

SEE DOUBTS!
*points to self!*

and how does one go about exploring them? I can go to The Front- an amazing, powerful worship service.. with great speakers. I've never gone but my friends do and I only hear good things! Those who go are physically, spiritually, and mentally healed..
I've been sick lately, so one friend suggested I go to get well
Another, to fight the doubts..

But that doesn't seem right, that I can feel doubtful, go to 'church'.. and have it all taken care of.
This is my journey, as I see it. And, I DON'T wanna reject God in any way (please don't think that) but I don't want the one stop shop for answers. I wanna explore it, just so I can see all aspects..


My upbringing being what it was.. I feel almost like, this is my time to question. Is that legit? Am I allowed? What does God stand in all this?... Would he lead me through a protected stage of doubt?.. or is this Satan?...If so, maybe this is similar to Job, in essense.
That being the case.. am I wrong to explore it? Terrible things happened to Job, and he never wavered..
and Here I am, ready to put all I have ever known aside if it means I will finally be able to rest peacefully again in some sort of promise, some realm of certainty.

Bad Idea?
Need some feedback. Cause I have felt the hand of God in my life. He has - even after the Cross- saved my life. A few times. He has changed me, for the better...
So, why?

Theres more to this. but im tired of thinking about it..
or... typing it out.

prayer? can I still ask for it?..
pleaseeeee......

This is the day...

The Beginning

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

6 And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." 7 So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. 8 God called the expanse "sky." And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.

9 And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. 10 God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good.

11 Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. 12 The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.

14 And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so. 16 God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. 17 God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, 18 to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. 19 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.

20 And God said, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." 21 So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. 22 God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth." 23 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.

24 And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind." And it was so. 25 God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.

26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."

27 So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.

28 God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."

29 Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. 30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food." And it was so.

31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.

Genesis 2

1 Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.

2 By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. 3 And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

Happy Earth Day everyone! ;) Take some time today to thank God for the earth he created for us, and the temporary home he gave us here. Go a step further and maybe find some ways to help protect it. You may not be wasteful, there is usually some measure of conservation left yet to attain. Yes, this is not our final home, but we were put here to take care of it! This planet is a beautiful place! Go outside today, by yourself, and find a quiet spot. Spend some time with God there, praising and thanking Him for everything we have. Pray for rain for the people all over the world living in drought, pray for good harvest for those living in famine, for sunshine upon the faces and hearts of those who could use a little warmth in their lives. All too often, we see the problems in our days and refuse to sit still and witness the glory that is all around us. Look for that glory today, Look for God. I promise, its easier than you may think. He's in the grass, the trees, the sky, the wind, the water,... He's everywhere.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You are God in heaven, and I am here on earth. So I'll let my words be few. Jesus I am so in love with you~And I'll stand in Awe of you."

In my darker hours....

It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

CHORUS
Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captive free?
Jesus, rescue me

CHORUS

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my lies
And darkness cannot hide

Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All power on Heav'n and Earth belong to Me
(repeat)

You are free
You are free
You are free

____________________
~casting crowns~

this song? in a nutshell
-my life-
im thinking of making it into a human video for chapel sometime soon
if theres room for it

Choose your song!

This month of April marks a significant part of my life. The first week was a blissful adventure through the Dominican Republic. That is over now. These next two weeks are filled to burst with practices and performances of the school play- over 30 High Schoolers prancing around the stage, singing and spouting lines we've been rehearsing for months. The following week there is a little function I like to call Prom, and then April is over.
May?
Well there is the AP English Test, our senior trip (Okay- our senior class in Puerto Rico? Locoooo), exam week, then- Graduation.
Now, fill in the empty spaces with Birthday parties, tea parties, grad parties, movie marathons,... and just being together for these last few weeks of our time here in Bradenton.

Wait- Graduation.
At one point in the ceremony, the Senior Class is able to perform a song. Usually, one or two seniors- most often girls- sing a pretty/emotional song to end the year well. And we find ourselves now at the time where we must choose this song.
Lauren Alkire and I have written a song for this occasion, one that the whole class- should they choose- can be a part of.
Jessy Cespedes has a gorgeous tearjerker she wants to sing, where maybe three others can get involved as well.
Ashley and Cody have also suggested a song: "I'm not gonna cry" which will, true to graduation nature, make everyone cry.

Its funny how, we are almost looking for a song that will ensure tears. That perfect something that is a sweet mix of happy/sad- Oh Lord my child is leaving me! Mom and dad I'm chasing my dreams.... and so on. How can a whole lifetime be put into one song? Years of trials, joys, lessons, sorrow- and all the crazy emotions that come along with taking this next step in out lives- all be found in one song, that everyone likes, that everyone can get involved in.
Its like we want to cry- we know full well that we will, and we're trying to find the best song to make that happen.

Weird humans.

My class, we like to have fun. "We wanna rock" so immediately, we wanted to have some Thunderstruck going on in there, instead of the same old same old 'Pomp and Circumstance' song. But of course, this ceremony must be classy, sophisticated, and more or less sans screaming guitars.
I don't know that I have a point here- I more reflecting on this process. Planning graduation. Finding the best pictures for the slide show, the best teacher to speak- the best student to speak, the best song to leave behind.

To leave behind.
To leave behind.

To leave behind.........

Not much to it

"We dance around a ring and suppose, But the secret sits in the middle and knows."
~Robert Frost


Now ain't that just like life?

Day One

Sometimes I gotta wonder how I can get so supremely confused by God. And I don't know where to run and bear my soul- cause most issues I face involve the people I know- big shocker there eh? And I don't know where to post them cause I'm afraid of who might see, yet I need to write it out. I don't want them to know whats going on- not because I'm ashamed or don't trust them, but I want this to be mine- and I don't want any emotions to get involved from others. Why not in a journal?

Laziness?.. I've been meaning to start a blog?

Or is it this insatiable desire to have someone read, who can give me straight, unbiased advice that I want to hear.

Or even answers...

Thing is, the only people who would read this would read the other sites as well.
So who then am I hiding from?

GOD

But I know

that it is God's place

He is the one I must run to bear my soul

and yet

If there was one issue I have-One area I wont let God in

It is as a comforter.

In my heart, I know it will be okay, But who can calm my troubled soul?

God alone

So why wont I let him?

Oh for wings! That I could just fly away from this earthly realm- and glide forever on the wind of your promises My Lord, My God!